Helping your children recognize authority as a good gift from God, and their inclination to resist it, is closely connected to helping them understand their need for the Savior.
Intro
The “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast is a family discipleship resource from Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, North Carolina, that aims to equip you and your family to be on mission with God, to the end of the street, and the ends of the earth.
Andy Owens
Welcome back to another episode of “Gospel Shaped Home.” I’m Andy Owens, and I’m back with brother John Erwin. John, welcome back.
John Erwin
Hey, it’s great to be here again.
Andy
So just to help our listeners get to know you a little bit more, tell us one thing about yourself that a lot of folks in the church might not know.
John
Well, most probably would not know that I graduated from college with a degree in structural engineering and then went into practice, became licensed in the state of North Carolina and more specifically in bridge engineering. And so I have designed several bridges throughout the state of North Carolina that probably many of our listeners have ridden over. So be careful.
Andy
Be careful. Well, I’m thankful for your service here, and I hope that you used that same standards of excellence back then when you were designing bridges.
John
There you go.
Andy
Yeah. Well, today we’re talking about chapter 8, “Authority,” and just a little warning, this is a really full chapter. We might take a few extra minutes talking about it today because it’s so foundational, so important. So Paul Tripp, he connects all sorts of issues that parents face, right? Whether it’s fights over what to eat, when to go to bed, what to wear, what to watch, who to spend time with, even the state of our children’s rooms. He ties all these things back to this fundamental heart issue of authority.
He says this is one of the most foundational issues in the life of every child ever born, and is something that every parent needs to prioritize, right? Establishing yourself as the authority in the life of your child. Now, those are some big claims. So John, let’s start out by asking the question. Why does Paul Tripp think authority is so important?
John
Yeah, well, initially he talks about that we’re all born into a world with authority, which is true. I mean, God is the ultimate authority and He’s established other structures of authority in the world to represent Him and His authority. And so whether it’s in the home, schools, workplaces, city, states, nations, wherever, and even the church, we’re all called to submit to various authorities. And so that starts in the home.
And then secondly, I think apart from Jesus Christ, every child born into this world has been born with a sinful nature. And our sinful nature leads us to reject and rebel against authority. We know what’s better. We want to do it our way. And when we reject authority that God established, we’re ultimately rejecting Him. And so we’re ultimately looking to place ourselves in the center of our world, and that’s a place that belongs to God and God alone. So we have to be very careful there.
And then finally, I think, as he says in 2 Corinthians 5:15, Paul writes, “And he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” And so Jesus came, he died, he rose again to rescue us from sin and Satan’s power. And part of that rescue is really delivering us from our delusional determination to rule our own lives, to go our own way.
And then finally, I think the best part here, Paul Tripp, just as a logical explanation, walks us through why it’s so important for us to help our kids see their need for a savior. First, if we’re committed to our own self-rule, then we won’t submit to the authority of others. And then secondly, if we won’t submit to the authority of others, then we won’t acknowledge when we transgress and sin, and we won’t be able to accept the reality that we’re guilty. And if we won’t accept the reality of our sinfulness and our guilt before God, then we’re never going to accept the reality that we need a savior and forgiveness.
Andy
Yeah, I think it’s really foundational for us, authority has fallen on hard times really since Genesis 3, but even in our day, right now, authority is often viewed as a negative thing, a dangerous thing. But what we see is God, in the beginning, giving humanity dominion over all of creation and we see authority from the beginning of creation. It’s part of God’s good design. It’s actually a gift from God for our good, our protection. And ultimately it’s because authority reflects Him, the one who has authority over all things and our sin. When you were talking, I thought of Psalm 2, where the rulers, the kings of the earth, the judges of the nations, they collaborate, they come together and they say, “Let us cast off his bonds.” They want to rebel against the authority of God. And that’s a dangerous place to be.
John
It is. It is.
Andy
That’s why on page 115, Paul Tripp says, when you “Work to establish clear, loving, consistent biblical authority in the lives of your children, you are doing gospel work.” For the rest of the chapter what he does is he kind of shows how establishing yourself as the authority, and actually it’s not really establishing yourself. God has already established you as a parent as the authority in your child’s life. It’s helping your children see and appreciate that and recognize it and live in obedience to it. He shows how that really is grace work or gospel work.
So he has these six statements about how authority work is grace work. The first one is that exercising ambassadorial authority is doing gospel work, right? Our authority in our children’s lives is derived, is dependent on God’s authority. We represent Him. We’re supposed to be a picture of His beautiful, wise, patient, protective and ultimately loving authority.
John
Yeah. And this is such a great perspective to remember that we are doing gospel work when we do that. Because as parents, as I think back over my time as parenting and still parenting, if we’re not careful, many times we find ourselves disciplining our children or using our authority out of our own self-interest, like I’m going to discipline here because my son’s behavior is embarrassing me in public, or your disobedience is interrupting my football game. And so I’m going to get up and take care of this real quick. But we have to remember that we’re constantly being used by God to show His loving authority. And that perspective helps us fight against disciplining out of self-interest.
Andy
Yeah, or just being moody, unpredictable.
John
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah. I recently heard, I can’t remember where it was. Someone was saying that God’s anger and I don’t actually remember the full illustration, but it’s like a reservoir of water behind a massive dam, that it would take a lot of work to get it out. But His mercy and His compassion is released like a hairpin trigger. Like it’s so sensitive. Anything can unleash His compassion. Where He says He’s slow to anger. And so just seeing that when we represent Him, we should be growing in that compassionate, tenderhearted…
John
Long suffering.
Andy
Long suffering, merciful authority.
John
Right. That’s good.
Andy
Okay. So second, helping your children understand why they do what they do is doing gospel work. This is kind of connected to what we said on the last episode, that our kids, they don’t understand the depths of the sin in their own hearts. We’re all kind of still learning that in a way, but every time we discipline them, they need more than a change in behavior. They need instruction. They need to be helped to see where’s this coming from.
John
Yeah. That’s so good. I mean, my wife, Sarah was so faithful at this in our home. I can remember time after time after disobedience and then discipline, she would take the time to instruct them on the condition of their heart or the heart issue, whether it was greed, whether it was selfishness, whether it was pride, whether it was just rebellion and how to properly respond. And then she would go back to the situation, recreate it and make them practice the right response as a way to instruct them and to try to instill that in their hearts.
Andy
Third, he says establishing authority early in little things is doing gospel work. What he means there is fight your authority battles early when your kids and the issues are small, right? If you put it off, the issues are going to get bigger and so are the kids, right? When your toddler or preschooler is resisting you over eating their food or wearing a certain outfit or watching one more episode of a show, the heart issue is recognizing authority is a good gift from a loving God.
John
Yeah. That’s so critical. Again, I would just repeat that fight the authority battles early, right? And he also out in this section that obedience is a willing submission of the heart. And so when our kids are yelling or whining, as they go, it’s important that we patiently help them see that that’s not obedience. I think you’ve heard the term over and over again, first time obedience, all the way with a happy heart, right away, all the way without complaining. As parents, I remember specifically, sometimes it just felt like first time obedience was such a high expectation, such a high bar, and…
Andy
It felt unrealistic. It felt…
John
It felt unrealistic over and over again. But then I came to the realization that we’re always teaching our children something, right? And so some parents, I watch them, they try to teach their children that they must obey on the count of three. And so you can watch it. You can watch the standoff here, it’s brewing, right? And so the child disobeys, the parent starts the countdown, right? One, two, and then the battle…
Andy
Two and a half.
John
Yeah, two and three quarters. And I’m like, who’s going to hold out here, right? But that takes energy.
Andy
You’re training them to resist in a sense. Like you’re training them to…
John
Yeah, I’m training them that they don’t have to obey until I get to three.
Andy
Yeah.
John
Well, if I’m going to do that, then why don’t I just teach them to obey the first time?
Andy
Yeah.
John
Right. And so, one way that we tried to help with this is that we tried to teach our boys that their first response to any instruction was yes, ma’am or yes, sir. Right? Because sometimes when we give instructions, it immediately drifts off into perspectives and why I did this and why I didn’t do that. And well, I’m going to do that, but I’m going to do this first. We would just say, no, that’s not the response. The response to instruction is yes, sir, or yes, ma’am. Submission, and then we can talk about your desire.
Andy
We did something similar. We would encourage our kids and tell them that their first response should be okay, mommy, or okay, daddy, and then move towards obedience. If they had a question, or if there was something they felt like we didn’t understand, they were welcome to humbly say, “Mom, may I ask a question?” Or, “Mom, can I say something?”
John
Right.
Andy
And so we want to give them space. We don’t want them to feel like they can’t breathe or they’re going to be, or it’s disobedience. But at the same time, we shouldn’t create any space for that resistance to authority, because ultimately that’s not serving their joy long-term and their goodness long-term.
John
Right. One other thing I would say here, Andy, is if some people are listening, they may have older children and they haven’t fought that battle early. Don’t let that deter you from starting now.
Andy
Yeah.
John
Many times you’ve heard the saying that the best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago, and the second best time is today.
Andy
That’s so good.
John
Right? And so it’s going to be harder because you’re going to have to break some old habits, but it’ll be worth it.
Andy
It’s way better.
John
And God’s grace is always sufficient. So start today.
Andy
Amen. And especially, no matter when you’re starting, if it’s when they’re two or when they’re 15, like we said earlier, tenderheartedness, gentleness. Proverbs 15:1 I think is really crucial in this, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” When you see disobedience in your child’s heart and you come at them with sternness and severity, with a heavy hand, they’re going to be more likely to be defensive, to resist, to fight back. But a tender, gentle exercise of authority, like the Father in heaven, who shows patience to us is going to reach their heart so much quicker.
John
Yeah. I remember one wise parent telling me that the softer her voice got, the more her children knew they were in trouble.
Andy
And they’re going to listen too. I thought you were going to say, the softer voice her voice got, the more they would listen.
John
No, they knew, you know what I mean? She wasn’t a yeller.
Andy
Yeah. Okay. Well, number four, exercising consistent authority is gospel work. Consistent is the key word here, right? When we parent in our own strength, when we’re not relying on the grace of God, we get tired, we get frustrated, right? I think the counting thing don’t make me count to three, actually leads to our frustration as well. When we delay consequences for disobedience, the frustration builds up in us and what happens is we can be inconsistent, unpredictable, right? You maybe give verbal threats or you warn of consequences, but you don’t enforce them. And then there’s this brewing kind of frustration in you, and then it overflows, it erupts. You raise your voice, you lose your temper and your children have to become like emotional weathermen, like discerning.
John
I think we tend to exasperate them at that point. So I think, yeah, consistency, it’s hard and we’ll never do it perfectly, but we need to pursue it consistently.
Andy
Yeah. And there’s security there for our kids when they know when I disobey, this is the consequence.
John
Yeah. I just remember back over the years, there were so many times that as a parent, you just don’t want to do it again. You just don’t want to do discipline again and again and again. And for me, the Lord led me to memorize Hebrews 12:11-13 that says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. But later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” So that promise of righteousness and peace for my boys was a motivator for me to remain disciplined and pursue that for them.
Andy
Yeah. That’s a great encouragement to hold fast to God’s promises and the fruits of discipline, both the Father’s discipline in our lives, but also, there’s a reason he uses the illustration of fathers discipline sons whom they love.
John
That’s right.
Andy
Okay. Number five, confessing that when it comes to authority, you are more like your children than unlike them is doing gospel work. So, this has come up multiple times in the book, but we are needy recipients of grace, too. We don’t stand above our children, in some senses. We stand beside them at the cross. When we parent in angry, inconsistent, inpatient ways, we’re just showing we have the same problem with authority that our kids have, and we still need God’s forgiveness and grace to change us.
John
Yeah. That’s such a great point. I think we can even use our failures in our parenting. I can’t quantify how many times I messed up or became frustrated or allowed my busyness to get in the way of good parenting. But when God reveals that to us, even those are opportunities for us as parents to go back to the child and confess sin and ask for forgiveness and just model that gospel for them.
Andy
Humility. That’s right. That really does, I think, open the door to their hearts in some significant ways when they see us humbly needing God’s help and God’s grace and apologizing to them for losing our temper.
John
Exactly. Plus, it helps them to realize that although we are the parents, we’re imperfect parents and we too need a savior.
Andy
Amen. “No parent gives grace more joyfully and consistently than the parent who daily confesses that she desperately needs it herself,” Paul Tripp says. And then finally, in discussions of authority, talking about the cross of Jesus Christ is doing gospel work. And his point here is that every moment of rebellion, again, is an opportunity to talk with our kids about what’s really going on in their hearts and how they need the savior.
John
Yeah, this is good, Andy. Just a couple of practical thoughts here, and I’m sure we’re not the only parents that have done some form of this. But when our boys were young, we would call a spanking a reminder, right? And so when they would disobey, we would say, “You’re going to need a reminder to help you obey.” Right. So we would take them, we would never do it on the spot. We would take them if possible to their rooms, sit them on our laps and say, “Now, do you understand what you’ve done, that you’ve disobeyed?” And they would sometimes argue, but through a series of questions, it was helpful for them to see their heart, right. We could help them see their heart. And then I would say, “I need to give you a reminder to help you to remember to obey.” And then afterwards, though, the most important part, I would sit them back on my lap and we would sort of rehearse the gospel. I would remind them that I sometimes disobeyed as well. And when we do, it’s offensive to God and that we need a savior and Jesus has provided that through Jesus. And so the great news is that when we confess to him, he promises to forgive us. And then I would say, “So let’s do that now.” And so we would confess, and then I would tell him, I’d say, “I forgive you, Jesus forgives you.” And then we would celebrate that forgiveness either with a big hug. When they were smaller, I’d throw him up in the air, I’d tickle him. I would wrestle on him, and just to restore that relationship, but also to model the gospel to him that we do have forgiveness.
Andy
Your affection is not…You’re not the penalty, right?
John
Right.
Andy
Yeah.
John
So it’s so important to restore that relationship.
Andy
Every discipline should end in hugs and love, and yeah, restoration.
John
Exactly. And there are times I warn you where they don’t want to hug when it’s over, but don’t stop pursuing.
Andy
That’s right. That’s good. That’s a good word, brother.
John
And then I think there’s other times when you have that initial conversation, they’ve disobeyed, they’ve done something, you’ve had that initial conversations, and you can sense remorse and regret and maybe even brokenness. In those times, you can choose as a parent to give grace and not give the reminder. It just reminds them that God also gives grace to us as well. Now, sometimes you set yourself up to every time you take them up there, “Dad, I want grace. Daddy, I want grace.” But there’s plenty of opportunities.
Andy
That’s not a bad thing for a kid to be thinking, I want grace. I want grace. That’s where they ultimately need to be, is looking upward to the Heavenly Father saying, “God, I need it bad. I messed up. And thank you that you’re so quick to give it.”
John
That’s right.
Andy
Yeah.
John
Excellent.
Andy
All right. Well, John, thank you. And thank you all for joining. We hope this has been an encouragement to you. We hope that your heart is warmed by the kindness of the Father in heaven, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named. He is the authority overall, but He graciously uses us to show His goodness, to show His love to the next generation. So thanks for joining. See you next time.
Outro
Thanks for listening to this episode of the “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast produced by Providence Baptist Church of Raleigh, North Carolina. For more information and resources from Providence, visit us online at pray.org. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please consider subscribing and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts.