Helping our children see and treasure the worth of God is the key to real and lasting change in their lives (and don’t forget that the false gods we give our hearts to don’t have to be made of wood and stone!).
Intro
The “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast is a family discipleship resource from Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, North Carolina, that aims to equip you and your family to be on mission with God, to the end of the street, and the ends of the earth.
Andy Owens
Welcome back to another episode of “Gospel Shaped Home.” I’m Andy Owens, pastor of family discipleship, and again, joined by Mark Celoria. Mark, welcome back.
Mark Celoria
Thanks, Andy. Hey, everybody.
Andy
So, some of you may think because these chapters are about worship and idolatry that I planned for Mark, our worship pastor, to be here. I didn’t actually. Today, we’re in chapter 11, which is titled, “False Gods,” and it really is an extension of kind of a continuation of what we talked about in chapter 10, which is character, which is that our character is rooted in what we worship. So, to start out today, I want to ask you, Mark, what is worship?
Mark
This chapter in the middle of this parenting book really does deal with the heart of really what worship is. I mean, there’s obviously corporate worship, which a lot of times in church context, we’re talking about corporate worship…
Andy
Gatherings.
Mark
The gatherings, the singing, and those, the disciplines, I guess, of that. But worship, fundamentally, is just giving our hearts to something like, we worship things, sometimes other than God, and that’s what certainly idols are. Sometimes, we use those figuratively, like an idol might be our job or whatever. Right?
Andy
Or our kids.
Mark
Exactly, our kids. Yeah, people do that quite often. We’re taking good things and making them ultimate things. But just, God said, “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” God wants our hearts. Worship is desiring God.
Andy
I actually looked in Merriam-Webster, just to see, and there’s multiple entries, but one of them says for the noun, worship, it’s “extravagant respect, admiration for, or devotion to an object of esteem.”
Mark
Right.
Andy
Something that we treasure.
Mark
And I think it’s very important with worship. Sometimes, we say, “This is my object of worship,” but it’s our actions that demonstrate what our object…
Andy
What we really worship.
Mark
Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. And so, we fool ourselves sometimes, in the declarations that we make about what we really worship. If we really observe our lives and the time and energy we give to things, we can see what really matters, what really drives us.
Andy
So, on page 154 and 155, kind of in the middle of the chapter, he has a section called, “What Is Worship?” And he says some of the things we’re talking about now, right? It’s where we seek for meaning. It’s where we seek identity. This kind of, we seek to satisfy that inner hunger for peace. But he has lots of references here, just kind of a smattering of biblical references to talk about the importance of worshiping the Lord our God, worshiping him alone. He will not share his glory. Worshiping him with all of our heart and soul and mind and strength. He brings out verses like this from Deuteronomy 11. It says, “Take care lest your heart be deceived.” We’re all in danger of being deceived. Just like you’re saying, we think we’re worshiping God, but really, what our hearts value is something else. We love something else more than him.
Mark
That’s right. And I think also, an idea here is important. Worship is a response to God. It’s not something we just white-knuckle right here. There’s all these passages, worship God, worship God. But what if our hearts aren’t worshiping God? We say, “Okay, well, I’ll worship God.” But our heart desires sinful things, right? Or our heart desires rebellious ways, which obviously is true of our hearts oftentimes. And so, where we learn to worship God, it’s learning that he’s better, that worth, that’s right. Desiring God, Christian hedonism is what John Piper said that we need to really pursue that we would find joy.
Andy
In God.
Mark
It’s not enough just to say, “All right, whatever, I’ll resign myself to giving him his due.” What God wants is our hearts. Ultimately, in heaven, we will experience nothing but joy in worshiping him forever. It won’t be a prison sentence. It will be true freedom. That’s the process of sanctification is, sanctification is learning that, I think.
Andy
It comes from seeing him, more and more clearly. Yeah.
Mark
Sure.
Andy
So, the question obviously, is how does this connect to parenting? And so, at the beginning of the chapter, Paul Tripp, he makes the connection explicit again. He asks three questions. Okay? The first one is, why do my children do the things they do? Why do they make the choices they make? Why do they act the way they do? Why do they argue or resist the ways that they do? The second question is, how does change take place in my children’s hearts and lives? Right? If we don’t know the cause of what they’re doing, we can’t understand how they need to change. Right? He says, “Sadly, most Christian parents can’t answer the first question, therefore, they can’t answer this one either.” And then the third question is, how can I be a tool or an instrument of change in the hearts and lives of my children?
So, he has a couple helpful illustrations, one of a young boy who pitches a temper tantrum in Toys “R” Us. He says, “Don’t go there. The devil’s in that store.” But kind of traces it to his desire for control and wanting to be God, to be in the center of the world. He also has an illustration of a teenage girl who struggles with appearance and desire for acceptance with her peers. And there’s this lack of heart rest. He traces how it’s a profoundly spiritual desire that’s driving all of that. And so, those are really helpful examples. I would really encourage you to read through these in the book, and they’re going to probably help give some insight into struggles you see in your own kids. They did for me. I actually wrote some notes read to some of my own children.
But what I think will be helpful for us to do right now is to look, starting on page 157. He has these five or six statements that kind of address these questions, right? So, let’s read them and just chat through them each, okay? So, the first one, page 157, it says, “The capacity of the heart of our children to worship is meant to drive them to God.” So, what’s he getting at, brother?
Mark
Each one of us has… This is such a…
Andy
This is a deep well.
Mark
This is kind of an old-school kind of thing, but we have a God-sized hole in our hearts, right? There’s a need in us to find satisfaction and joy in God.
Andy
We find that this world doesn’t satisfy, we come to the conclusion…
Mark
That’s right. So, we fill that hole with other things. And so, as parents, we have to just understand that, I think just fundamentally, the condition of our children, which is the human condition, which is that drive when they’re chasing after things that that drive is there because our children have been created to worship God. So, if we can start there, I think that our parenting can start off on the right foot.
Andy
Yeah. And one practical thing here is that he points out that a lot of Christian parents, they want their kids to believe in God and to love going to church. But it’s kind of like one element of what they’re doing as parents, right? Most of their focus, their primary focus, he says, is on producing children who are mannerly, who do well at school, who see to sports and music. And I’m just struck as I read this chapter that God really is at the center of the universe, and he’s calling us to order our lives with him at the center. So, for us as parents, we have to recognize that everything in life relates to and flows through our worship of God or our worship of other lesser things.
Mark
Here’s a practical thought, by the way, on this point of why it’s so important. How often as parents do we say, “We want our children to be happy”? And so, if our child is vain, we might spend, we might sort of enable them by spending inordinate amounts of money on makeup, or maybe constantly, certainly worthwhile to say to your daughter, “You’re beautiful.” We’re trying to combat vanity with more vanity. We’re trying to make them happy by saying that thing you’re pursuing, whether it’s beauty or sports, we try to just give them more of that. But really, we have to, this is where this is important. If we start off on the wrong foot, we’re not going to lead our children to God. We’re going to dig a deeper hole for them as they continue to try to vainly find purpose and happiness in things that won’t fulfill.
Andy
Yeah. That’s kind of connected to the second statement. He says, “The capacity of your children to worship is the most important biblical insight for parents.” The capacity for worship and kind of the, I think the main idea here is that when we see all these things, whether it’s a just vain desire for appearance and things, or constantly taking selfies, those things that they argue about, fight over, are really passionate about, reveal where they’re at, right? It reveals what’s important to them and functionally, what’s ruling their hearts. And that’s a lens for us, in a sense, to look into their lives. Or even, in a way, looking through the lens of, “Hey, I know this person is a worshiper. That helps me see they’re giving their heart to these things.” It’s insight for us. And it helps us be a tool of God to give insight to them.
Mark
That’s right.
Andy
The next statement, this is, I think probably the most practical light to give direction to us as parents from this chapter. Top of page 159, “Since your children are worshipers, you must be committed to being an instrument of seeing.” What is it they need to see, Mark?
Mark
The glory of God.
Andy
They need to see the glory of God.
Mark
Or their need for that.
Andy
Yeah. And that’s the first thing I wrote when I read that, instrument of seeing, seeing the glory of God. And he’s addressed that throughout this book. But he also, he says they need to see something that they’re blinded to, namely what’s happening in their own hearts.
Mark
Right.
Andy
As well. And I love this statement. “Your children cannot grieve what they do not see, they cannot honestly confess what they do not grieve, and they cannot repent of what they haven’t confessed.” So, as parents, we, as ambassadors of King Jesus, we’re trying to help them see, “You’re not worshiping God aright. Your life is not aligned and oriented around God, like God is calling it to be. And that’s what’s leading you to value all these other things and not value his glory.” Next one, “Since your children are worshipers, a vital skill for you is to learn how to lead them to confession.” Thoughts there?
Mark
I just think that, just springing off the last point, if our role and our purpose is to help them see their need for God and the glory and beauty of God, then we lead them. It is sort of like those four points, started off with glory, ending with welcoming, from a couple of chapters ago. The goal is to then lead them to confess “God, I need you,” right? So, it’s not just pointing out a deficiency or a brokenness in their life, but it’s helping them to be made right with God because we have access to the Father through Jesus Christ.
Andy
Amen. And this is the place where he kind of warns us, leading them to confession is not going to happen if we’re trying to use threat and guilt and those earthly power tools. I was reminded as I read, especially the middle of page 160, that “it’s so tempting to raise your voice. It’s so tempting to shake your finger, to get in their faces.” And he says, “Sadly, even to slap, to shove, to push, to pull, to pinch. And the reality is, none of these things are going to open up their hearts.” So, I was reminded of J. C. Ryle’s little booklet, “The Duties of Parents,” where he says, “Without affectionate, tender love, if you come at your children with harshness, you make them angry and defensive. They will close up the door of their hearts to you, and you will weary yourself to find it again.”
And so, just seeing this ministry of helping them see what’s happening and lead them to confession requires tender, patient love, and insight-giving conversation.
Mark
And it’s also something that we can’t do for them. We’re guiding them to the act of confession. It’s got to be something between them and the Lord. So, it says, the last thing he says is, we need to “commit ourselves to asking, ‘Where’s God calling my children to own responsibility for their thoughts, desires’ and how can I help them do it?’ We’re not doing it for them.”
Andy
And ultimately, at least to the next point, to say your children are worshipers means you have no power to free them from their biggest problem.
Mark
It’s a great book. It’s really good.
Andy
I mean, like you’re saying, we can’t confess for them, but we ultimately, we can’t change their hearts either.
Mark
That’s right. We’re reading this book on parenting. We ultimately decide and realize, well, I can’t do this ultimately, right?
Andy
Yeah.
Mark
Sorry.
Andy
No, it’s good.
Mark
A little humor there.
Andy
But admitting our inability is not giving up. Right? He says, “That’s actually the soil in which we can become effective parents is when we say, ‘God, I recognize I can’t do this.’ They need your light to shine.”
We’re almost done with these statements. “Because your children are worshipers, your only hope for them is the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.” So, this is…
Mark
The good news.
Andy
The positive answer to that previous negative statement. Main thought or application from that section?
Mark
And I just think that we are more like our children than unlike them. What a gift we have as parents. It’s one of the greatest gifts to us as believers. It refines us just like our marriage relationships refine us. God has been so gracious to us because we see ourselves in our children. God teaches us things. As we discipline, we’re probably learning more than they are. And we become more like Jesus through this process of sanctification.
Andy
Last paragraph of the chapter starts with this statement: “Parenting is being willing to expend your time, gifts, energies, and resources in a daily battle of worship, as God’s tool in the lives of your children.” May God give us grace to do that, to pour ourselves out, use our time, use our gifts, use our energies to be God’s ambassadors. We represent him to our children and may he help us to do it faithfully.
Mark
Amen.
Andy
Mark, thanks for joining, brother.
Mark
Thanks, Andy.
Andy
Thank you all for joining as well.
Outro
Thanks for listening to this episode of the “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast, produced by Providence Baptist Church of Raleigh, North Carolina. For more information and resources from Providence, visit us online at pray.org. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please consider subscribing and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts.