Oftentimes the biggest obstacle to our parenting is…ourselves! But God gives grace to help in time of need through a variety of channels.
Intro
The “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast is a family discipleship resource from Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, North Carolina. It aims to equip you and your family to be on mission with God, to the end of the street and the ends of the earth.
Andy Owens
Welcome back to another episode of “Gospel Shaped Home.” I’m Andy Owens, pastor of family discipleship. And once again, have the joy of having my Brother, Chip Bugnar here on the phone for another episode. Chip, welcome back.
Chip Bugnar
Good to be back. Hey Providence.
Andy
Chip, last time we heard just a little bit about where your family is, how long you’ve been married, and how old your kids are. And I know some of our folks can’t believe that because they saw little Emma, little Owen, at like three, four years old, going off to central Asia. Well, I guess Ben was about two or three actually, when y’all left. So anyway, your kids were small. That’s my point.
Chip
That’s right.
Andy
But tell us where you’re at now in the world, and what you’re doing as far as ministry and yeah.
Chip
Yeah. Thanks Andy. It’s good to be back. And yeah, we moved to Birmingham, Alabama, after our time in central Asia. And I became the global pastor, so basically, the missions pastor at the Church at Brook Hills in Birmingham, Alabama. So many of you know Danny Renstrom, and we’re serving together again in this capacity. He’s the worship pastor here. And yeah, it’s just been a joy to continue to want to send and equip, seasoned, healthy laborers to bless the global church. And so, that’s what we’re doing right now. I’m dreaming about how to do that, even with all the limitations, with this current view.
Andy
Praise God for that open door for ministry. Thank you for serving the church and serving the mission of the church in that way. And today, I have a pretty simple, but I think what will be a helpful question to ask you. And that is what are some of the biggest challenges you have faced as a parent, and how has God by his grace met those needs?
Chip
Good question, Brother. We could probably have a lot more than 12 minutes to talk through what this is going to look like. But man, I think one of the biggest challenges of parenting that I have faced is me. I think parenting has been… just as marriages for most people or some other setting, when you’re living closely with other people and interacting with them, it becomes a mirror into your own soul. And it exposes things, man. I think just my selfishness has been exposed. And that particularly played out, I think, in my impatience and my anger that can answer my kids with short words or make a face that’s not appropriate. Even though my words might be okay, they feel something else…
Andy
Like a harshness or a heavy handedness in your response.
Chip
Yes. Yeah.
Andy
Yeah. I think that’s something that most of us can identify with and sympathize with. It’s a pretty common, common struggle.
Chip
Mm-hmm. Man, I’ve even seen just how at work, if my love or I want to please man more than God, how that fleshes out into a busyness at home. That it’s, I’m a slave to work. And so, I fill my calendar and fill my mind, even when I’m at home with things that I’m doing at work. So there’s this busyness idol that I see in my own heart. Because it’s all about me. It’s not about God and His glory. I’ve hijacked that purpose and made it about me. So that’s another struggle, I see my own heart, Brother, just to be honest.
Andy
So how has the Lord over the last, nearly 16 years now as a dad and 20 years as a husband… how have you seen that kind of unfold? I’m guessing it wasn’t an all at once recognition, but it’s a layer by layer. God exposing another layer of sin, but then God meeting that with His grace. Could you just give us a picture into what that’s looked like? How parenting has been a tool in that. And I’ll say, I’m reminded of a recent episode I did with Dave, where we were talking about Paul Tripp’s book, Parenting. And where he says something to the effect of, hey, parenting, isn’t God just using us in our kids’ lives. But God, through our children and through the task of parenting, changing us so that we might be more effective tools in his hands, in our kids’ lives. It’s he’s working both ways. So yeah, take us into it a little bit. And what it’s like for you?
Chip
Yeah, that’s good word, man. I think something else that’s informative for me, Andy, is this little article. It’s three pages called, The Cross and Criticism…
Andy
Hmm. I got it from you.
Chip
You can get it online. And it’s just helped me see, I don’t need to be afraid to enter into territory where my weaknesses are going to be displayed. Because they were already displayed evidently at the cross. And it enables me to receive criticism, and I don’t do that well all the time, but I think my wife is really a blessing of the Lord. That she has front row seat to what God is doing in my life, and where I’m struggling. And so, she’s been kind, this blessing of the Lord to pull me aside when I respond harshly to the kids, or I’ve been too busy with my phone. And I think it’s a seasonal thing I’ve noticed, and occasionally, I need to step out and just get a checkup of where I am.
And because I drift towards these patterns that end up negatively influencing my kids, my home. And so, I think God has given me my wife, his work. Even the church, we just recently went through the book of Ephesians, Ephesians 5. We sat in that word and saw what husbands should be like, and how wives should respond to their leadership. And it was just a check up for us, just the normal rhythms of body life. And even being with other couples and seeing how they navigate some of these things, seeing how intentional they are with their kids and being spurred on to love and good deeds. I think those are some avenues that God has protected me from myself. Because if I were left to myself, I think I would make a mess of our family. So I’m thankful for His grace.
Andy
So you just said a lot about different ways God has provided His grace, through different means, different channels, if you will. You mentioned Beck, your wife, and the blessing she’s been. That’s really huge. We have to remember, God has given us, in perfect wisdom and love, the spouse he has given us. And perfectly suited to meet our needs, to help us see weaknesses too. So just to remember, you’re not in competition with your spouse. When it comes to your kids, you’re a team. You’re on the same team. And I’ve seen you and Beck model that really well. You mentioned community, church community.
Chip
Yeah, church.
Andy
Just being able to observe other believers, that’s been tremendous. I think for us as well. To get to one, the encouragement. Hey, we’re not alone in this. To actually have other examples of, hey, that’s how you can deal with that, in a godly way. That’s the way to respond to this situation. And I didn’t think of it. It’s okay. We don’t have to think all the answers because we’ve got a whole body of brothers and sisters. You talked about sitting under the word and then share the word. You talked about criticism, that article of Cross and Criticism, and not feeling the need to defend, justify ourselves. Anything else? I’m trying to catalog these here for our listeners. Because these are really helpful, and they’re all things that thank God for and to lean into, in a sense.
Chip
Yeah. And I think that the reason why I set it up with Cross and Criticism, Andy, is just depth. If you take that heart there, that there’s no condemnation in Christ Jesus. That we received our harshest criticism at the cross that we needed. We deserve the judgment of God. And then, that we also received the most welcomed acceptance at the cross, from the love of the Father. And I think that that turns down the pressure meter. Because I want to get defensive when the word is being preached and it’s convicting. And I see areas that I need to change and I want to be defeated. Well, that’s actually just an opportunity to grow, that God has given me by his grace. Or my wife’s word to me at a timely moment. I want to get defensive, but I don’t need to get defensive. It’s for my good. And so, that’s why I started with that. Man, I think that’s really the heart, to take a learner’s posture into all the means of grace that you have in your family.
Andy
Yeah. That’s so good. I’m going to ask you in just a second, if there’s any recent, just practical instance of this, you can share with us. But it was just the same idea recently, I was sharing with a couple who were about to get married, the same idea. When you’ve done something and your spouse is pointing it out to you, and you feel your inner lawyer rising up, coming to your defense, you can say, “Wait a second, I have a justifier and His name is Jesus. He’s my defender. And it’s not because I’m righteous. It’s because I’m clothed in his righteousness. And then the inverse is the same. It’s when I feel a need to make someone pay for something they’ve done, I can also trust Christ. He’s paid for this at the cross. I don’t need to condemn. I don’t need to make them pay for this. I can forgive. I can let go of this. And the cross frees us to do both of those things. To not fear condemnation, to not pursue someone else’s condemnation.
So anyway, any recent instance that you could share with our listeners, of what this looks like, just practically day in day out?
Chip
Yeah, I think… Let’s see, I’m trying to think of, through the catalog of instances where those could play out. But, man, I just had a… we’ve got teenage boys, had an intense conversation. One of them raised his voice at me, and I think it was not justified. And it hurt deeply. And so, sent him up to his room to calm things down. And just was really wrestling with what kind of posture I’m going to go up there in. Am I going to go up to his room and talk to him and just try and force my opinion on him? Or is there anything I can apologize for? Is there any overstep that I made in my words or anything that would be misperceived? Am I going to come up there in attack mode? Or am I going to come up there in a learner’s posture?
Talking to my son when I went up there, it was hard to navigate. Honestly, Bro, some of the emotions were high keel and just had to pause in my heart, and just really pray and seek the Lord. That He would turn my posture to want to listen because my son was obviously hurting. And I was able to listen to how I hurt him. And then, he was able to listen to how he hurt me through yelling at me. And it was helpful, but man, it was painful. And I was inclined towards just pressing in on my own agenda. But thankfully, I think God was gracious to give us both a learner’s posture in that moment. And our relationship was restored because of it. And so, that’s one example, man.
Andy
Yeah. Sure. Yeah, I had a similar… it’s kind of a little bit of a smaller thing. We were recently just really tired, distracted. It’s been busy season. We were, the whole family laying on our bed, Erica and I’s bed, just praying together before putting the kids to bed. And as I’m praying, I look up, and one of my children is standing on my bed, taking the chains off the ceiling fan light. They’re coated. One shows a light, one shows a fan. And I just responded, that’s not a toy. What are you doing? Stop, leave those alone. And I was frustrated because this child was, obviously, distracted during prayer. But immediately, I felt Erica just give me a gentle nudge, and I look up and I could tell she thinks I’ve overreacted. I’ve been harsh. And it was so obvious. I just didn’t see it because I was tired, frustrated, distracted.
And so, even as I’m praying for my kids, I’m the problem. And I am frustrated and angry, and the grace of God coming to me through Erica’s gentle encouragement, helped me to slow down and just say, “Hey bud, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been frustrated. It’s not really a big deal. Let’s don’t mess with them. But right now, really, let’s focus on asking God for grace, giving thanks to him. We’re praying. Let’s don’t mess with this stuff right now. That’s a better response. And this child, he understood. It’s a boy. I’ve given it away now. So that’s a recent example for me, in the past two or three days.
Chip
Yeah. Oh, I agree with you, Brother.
Andy
Yeah. Well, so maybe to sum this up, Chip. Parenting has been challenging for you, correct?
Chip
Yes, correct.
Andy
Have you seen the faithfulness of God over and over and over in those challenges?
Chip
Daily, yes.
Andy
Praise him, praise him. And that’s really what we want you, our listeners, to hear is, yes, it’s challenging for all of us. But yes, God is faithful, and yes, His grace is sufficient for every need. And the weaker you feel, really, the more opportunity you have to boast in the sufficiency and the power of His grace. So Chip, thank you for joining, Brother.
Chip
Thanks, Andy.
Andy
So grateful for you.
Chip
You too.
Andy
And thank you, our listeners, for joining for another episode. And we hope to see you on the next one.
Outro
Thanks for listening to this episode of the “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast, produced by Providence Baptist Church of Raleigh, North Carolina. For more information and resources from Providence, visit us online at pray.org. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please consider subscribing and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts.