The aim of parenting is disciple-making, and we can only pursue that goal with joy and patience as we rest in God’s abiding presence and power.
Intro
The “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast is a family discipleship resource from Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, North Carolina. It aims to equip you and your family to be on mission with God, to the end of the street and the ends of the earth.
Andy Owens
Welcome back to this episode of “Gospel Shaped Home.” I’m Andy Owens, pastor of Family Discipleship here at Providence. And once again, I’m joined by Dave Owen. Dave, thankful for you brother.
Dave Owen
Hey buddy. Good to be with you again.
Andy
Glad to have you back. Today, we were talking about the last chapter of Paul Tripp’s book, “Parenting,” and it’s titled “Mercy.” Nothing more important. This a great place to wrap this book up. The most oft-quoted verse in the Bible that’s quoted by the Bible later in scripture, Exodus 34: 6 and 7, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,” just pops up over and over and over in the scriptures. And in Ephesians 1, Paul is kind of glorying in God’s salvation to us. And he says he does it all to the praise of the glory of his grace. This book started with a conversation about how we are ambassadors of our Heavenly Father to our children. And he is a God of mercy and grace. And so we primarily are to represent God in his mercy and in his grace to our kids. That’s the main point of the book.
So let’s think for just a second brother, what is mercy? What is it not? What is it? That’s pretty important if that’s the main job is to represent it.
Dave
Oftentimes I think it could be helpful for our listeners to distinguish the difference between grace and mercy, just theologically in the sense that grace is receiving something you don’t deserve and mercy is not receiving what you do deserve. And we do deserve his judgment, his wrath. And when he has mercy on us, he’s withholding that. And the reality of the Bible is he didn’t withhold it. He pointed it to somewhere else, to a hill called Calvary on a cross with his son. And I love the principle. And so listeners, if you hadn’t had a chance to read this chapter, the principle is so good because it says no parent gives mercy better than one who is convinced that he desperately needs it himself. I just think that captures so much of the essence of the chapter.
Andy
Yeah, and the book. And we have to remind ourselves over and over because we’re forgetful people, but God is rich in mercy. He is not a miser. He is not running out. He has an abundance of mercy. Psalm 23, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, pursue me all the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” That’s who God is. That’s what God does. He lavishes grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy, on us through Jesus.
Dave
I love Psalm 23. When you think about it following you, it’s not like, Andy, if I jumped in the car and you got in the car behind me and you followed me down to the store, the Hebrew word there, it actually carries the idea of following with intentions of capture. Yeah, there’s mercy, can you get that visual of God’s mercy? It’s just not a distance behind us. It’s coming after us.
Andy
Amen. But it’s not our natural tendency to show mercy. We are inclined to be demanding, to be harsh, to be impatient. This is another kind of key idea is that our struggle is not our kids. Our struggle is not our kid’s sin. It’s inside of us.
Dave
Yes. I thought oftentimes my kids, when they were young, it’s like man, my kids are making me impatient. And a brother spoke into my life and said, “No, no, no. God’s using your kids to reveal how impatient you are.” And I’m like, “No, no, no, no, that’s not right.” But, oh, it was so right.
Andy
Yeah. I mean, Jesus speaks pretty clearly that everything that comes out of your mouth and your life comes from your heart.
Dave
That’s right.
Andy
I mean, not just you and me. And all of us.
Dave
What are you trying to say?
Andy
I’m saying you’re a sinner and you need grace.
Dave
Yes, I do.
Andy
Yeah. So in order for us to be merciful, we must daily reflect on the mercy we are constantly receiving. 1 John 3:1, “What wonderful love the father has lavished upon us that we should be called children of God.” I want to start every day of my life standing in awe of the love that God has shown me. And what happens is that gratitude and our own realization of our need softens our hearts and enables us to be more like our Father in heaven when we…
Dave
Dead in our sins, but God who was rich in mercy made us alive.
Andy
Yeah. You want to read that quote on page 199 that he mentions…
Dave
Yes, I love it. I got it underlined here. It says, “God is working on you through your children so that he can work through you for your children.” I’m going to read it one more time. God is working on you through your children so that he, God, can work through you for your children. Such an amazing line in this chapter.
Andy
Yeah. He’s not just using us in their lives. He’s using them in our lives so that he can make us more fit tools to use us in their lives. It’s just so, so gracious. So amazing. The way Paul Tripp kind of concludes the book is this section called Responses of Mercy. And really in some ways it’s kind of a summary of the book and a lot of things he’s been talking about and he uses this illustration of we’re first responders. First responders don’t lecture, they rescue. They don’t stand and condemn or judge. They rush in when there’s need. And that’s how we should think of ourselves as.
Dave
I love the way he says it. He says we’re on a mission of mercy, a mission of mercy. One of my wife’s and I getaways where we reflect on our parenting and how bad it is at times, we came up with this little grid. It was so fun. Oh, we just say, “Listen, we’ve got to love first, listen more and lecture less.”
Andy
So good.
Dave
And so we’re just evaluating, we’re not doing this well. Love first, listen more, listen more and lecture less.
Andy
That’s good. That’s helpful. Well, Paul Tripp, his first response to mercy is this, “Look for every opportunity to shower your children with grace.”
Dave
I mean, so good, so good. I love how he just says that the law of God has the power to expose the sin in your child’s heart. And the law is a wonderful guide for your child’s living, but it has no power at all to rescue, transform and deliver your child.
Andy
Yeah. Yeah. And it’s important to remember mercy doesn’t mean laxity, doesn’t mean we call wrong right. There’s a firmness and an inflexibility that’s right and good because of righteousness. But it’s always velvet-coated, it’s tenderhearted, it’s patient, it’s compassionate.
Dave
I love that line. Grace moves toward wrong, not to condemn, but to rescue. Restore, help, forgive.
Andy
Amen. Amen. Okay. The next one is be careful to help your children see the heart behind the behavior. I mean, you hear this come out over and over in this book, but the target, the goal is not just behavior. It’s the heart.
Dave
That’s right. Behavior modification will not last. I think a couple of chapters ago, we hit that. And I think this is a great reminder as the book concludes that you’ve got to go under those symptoms to the root and that’s the heart.
Andy
And it’s not just a one time thing, right? This is over and over, day after day with the hope that the spirit of God will use that to bring about an increasing awareness and a conviction of sin and the cry for help to God.
Dave
That’s right. Amen.
Andy
And that’s really the next point. Be patiently committed to process. It doesn’t happen in a moment. Change happens over time for us and our kids. And so it requires patience and being willing to have that same kind of conversation.
Dave
I know. I was like, can’t we just have this once? I mean…
Andy
Or not just one, maybe just 20 times, 20 times. Isn’t that enough?
Dave
75. Yeah. Yes. Over and over.
Andy
Over and over. Next point is point your kids every day to Jesus.
Dave
Yes. Yes. I think that helps us see, like we were talking in the last podcast, of just the centrality of Jesus in everyday of life. It’s not a Sunday thing. It’s a week to week, day to day. He is summation. He has supremacy over everything. And to be able to talk about him in that way is glorious.
Andy
Yeah. He says, “Don’t let a day go by without your children somehow some way hearing the beautiful truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” Once again, the gospel’s at the center of this rescue mission.
Dave
That’s right.
Andy
Next is humbly accept your limits. Here he’s getting at the, again, earthly power tools that we try to use. We try to bring about change by increasing the volume, by threats, by manipulation, guilt, anger.
Dave
So Andy, you’re telling me if I yell really loud, that doesn’t work?
Andy
It’s just so, I mean, it’s because we have a fallen nature. We have an old man to contend with, a sinful nature in our own hearts to contend with. But I mean, just think if you and I were in a conversation and you saw me struggling with something and you just got in my face and started yelling at me. Is that going to encourage me to repent of my sin and change? No. And yet we tend to do that with our kids.
And so he says, “You’re simply called to expose what’s bad, point to what’s good and talk about the Redeemer who can lead them from the one to the other.” And it reminds me of John 5 when Jesus, he says that, “An hour is coming when you’ll hear the voice of the son of God and all who hear will live. And the one who hears and follows him will not enter into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.” And so it’s, we are instruments of helping them hear his voice. We are his ambassadors speaking the words of Christ, pointing them to the savior and humble reliance on God that he would open their hearts to hear it and he’ll bring them out of death…
Dave
And a quick word to fathers here as well. So the word in Ephesians says, “Fathers, don’t provoke your children.” And I think some of the provoking that stirs them up is a angry response, a loud voice, this authority, kind of ruling over. And I’ve messed up so many times in this area. And I think when you humbly accept your, there’s a humility that you can speak truth to your children, but it’s the demeanor and the tone in which you do it, that I think sets up the conversation to go a lot better than just yelling.
Andy
Like most people, children are better drawn than driven. And a silken cord of love is much more effective than a rod of iron.
Dave
And that’s God, right? God, in Romans, his kindness…
Andy
Leads us to repentance. Yeah. Next he says, “Remind your heart each morning to rest in the presence and power of your heavenly father.”
Dave
So good. There’s a reason that we have notifications on our phone. There’s a reason we have reminders. We forget them all the time. And this is the one that we should never forget.
Andy
And he says, we should remember both who God is and who we are in Christ, who God is for us in Christ. It’s both. And that’s, remember that he is a glorious, gracious God. And that he has poured that grace out on us.
Dave
That’s right. And he says, “Remember and rest. Then go out and parent with a heart filled with hope and courage,” because it’s not going to be easy.
Andy
Yeah, that’s right. Willingly confess your faults. That’s the next one. Willingly confess your faults. And here he means confess them to God. Your failures rest in what Christ has done. You don’t need to defend yourself because Christ is your defender. He has died. He has risen again. But he says your children also need to hear your confession. We need to confess our sin to our kids also.
Dave
That’s huge. We asked, randomly Julie and I will ask our kids, “Hey, what can we do better at parenting?” And they just encourage us like we could probably ask for forgiveness more. That was really encouraging.
Andy
And what you said just a moment ago about not exasperating our children. I think that has the idea of cultivating a settled anger in them. If we raise our voice, we yell, if we live as if we aren’t in need of rescue, if we aren’t in need of grace, that’s probably the quickest way to exasperate and to lead to the settled anger in our kids’ hearts. So like you said, gentleness and confession, when we aren’t gentle, humbly acknowledging our faults. Next, he says, “Root all that you require, say, and do in the wonderful wisdom of scripture.”
Dave
I just love that. Just again, you got to do that. Oftentimes we want to get in the word, so the word gets in us. And so as parents, the wisdom to parent comes from the word. And so parents just, again, we encourage you, Pastor Brian encourages us, if you don’t have a Bible reading plan, to try to eat… and we wouldn’t go a day without eating food. We need it for physical stamina and our bodies to be sustained. And so much more important is God’s word.
Andy
Yeah. We’re God’s tool. And God’s word is our primary tool in the lives of our children. And it also, the Bible, sets the agenda. He says our job isn’t to produce little clones. We don’t want to try to just make our kids just like us or what we want them to be. God has a better plan. He says, “Those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son,” Romans 8:29, “that he, the son, might be the firstborn among many brethren.” God’s plan is for you and your kid to always be growing to look more and more like Jesus. And so when we let the word wash over us and rule in our hearts, that’s the direction we’re going to be going.
Dave
Let me just say a word to the parents real quick. Listen, if you don’t talk to your kids about everything and how the Bible addresses it, the world is talking to them about everything…
Andy
With a different message.
Dave
With a different message. So sexuality, relationships, money, aspiration, authority, everything, it’s in the Bible, it’s in the Bible. And so parents listen, if you don’t know where it is in the Bible, reach out to Pastor Andy, myself. Listen, the Bible addresses every single thing from the history of the world, it has. And you’ve got to start talking about everything because they can Google it. They can find it if they have questions about anything and everything. So create that environment in your home that brings a freedom for your kids to ask you anything.
Andy
And it kind of relates to what we talked about on the last episode that the Bible isn’t a topical guide book that you just open up, “Hey, I need to talk about finances. Let me just find the finance section.” Obviously there are specific references, a lot of them actually, that talk about finance and money. Really we have to learn to see all of life in light of all of God’s word. And that happens through slow regular investments best. And it’s not that we should consult for specific topics, right? But at the same time, the primary way that we should be shaping our world view, according to the truth of the Bible, is by regularly, individually and as a family sitting down and listening to the Bible and processing it together, whether it’s at dinner, at breakfast, in the car, before bed. Whenever it is, we’ve got to let God’s word dwell richly in our hearts and in our conversation.
Dave
That’s it. One quick word, organic. Let it be organic sometimes.
Andy
Absolutely.
Dave
You don’t have to have this formal… Everybody says, “I mean, do you have this concentrated formal time?” No, it’s just organic. We’re just throughout the day, at breakfast, a verse at night, reading the word together at the table around dinner and foods flying and a few arguments are breaking out and the dog’s jumping and you just plow through it. And it’s not like we sit down on the couch and have 10 minutes of complete silence. No, it’s messy, but it’s good.
Andy
Yeah. A key, I think, is intentionality to open the word, to listen to it. Okay. So don’t treat opportunities like hassles. Here it’s when your kids, when you see the sin in your kids’ hearts, tendency is to get frustrated and to feel like this is an interruption, but really those are the key moments of ministry. Opportunities, they’re gifts of grace that God is helping you see what’s in your child’s heart so that you can help them see.
Dave
That’s right.
Andy
Be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
Dave
That sums itself up. I mean, and forgiveness is one of the things I think practice often in your home. It does miracles in the home when you learn to forgive.
Andy
Yeah. I’ve heard Frosty say just as an encouragement, you’re not the punishment. If you’re holding on to frustration and resentment, you’re going to withhold affection and he just said, “Man, that’s just, that’s not going to cultivate love and openness of relationship. You’ve got to avoid trying to be the punishment.” You just want to discipline and move on, forgive and love and be quick, quick to enjoy time together and enjoy one another. All right. Pray before, during and after. Parenting through prayer, that’s, it’s really our… I said the scriptures are our most important tool. Prayer is probably just as important.
Dave
Yes. 100% and before they’re born, while they’re born, while they’re home, after they leave…
Andy
Before you discipline, after you discipline.
Dave
Right, right.
Andy
Yeah. We do our best parenting when we start on our knees, when we start through prayer. And then the last point is do all of these things over and over again.
Dave
Oh my. Lean into his mercy.
Andy
Yeah. Press hard into his grace. And he’s with us, brothers and sisters. He will not leave us or forsake us. He doesn’t leave us to ourselves, but he exerts his omnipotent energy for our good and he empowers the service that he desires in us.
Dave
I say the most important notification and reminder you could ever put on your phone is that God has loved you and shown you grace and mercy in his son Christ.
Andy
Amen. Amen. Well, praise God for this conversation. Praise God for Paul Tripp and this book, Parenting. We hope that it’s been a blessing to you these last 15, 16 weeks, however long it’s been, going through it, talking about it each week. Thankful for you, our listeners. And we pray that God would strengthen your hearts with his grace today.
Outro
Thanks for listening to this episode of the “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast produced by Providence Baptist Church of Raleigh, North Carolina. For more information and resources from Providence, visit us online at pray.org. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please consider subscribing and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts.