How we view ourselves, and where we look for meaning and purpose will shape our parenting, for good or bad.
Intro
The “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast is a family discipleship resource from Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, North Carolina, that aims to equip you and your family to be on mission with God, to the end of the street and the ends of the earth.
Andy Owens
Welcome back. I’m Andy Owens, pastor of family discipleship here at Providence, and I am once again joined by Bryan Nelson. Bryan, welcome.
Bryan Nelson
Thank you. I’m glad to be here.
Andy
Glad you’re here. Today, we’re talking about chapter five of Paul Tripp’s book, “Parenting,” and it’s called “Identity.” He starts out, he says, “If you are not resting as a parent in your identity in Christ, you will look for identity in your children.” And over on page 75, he expands that idea a little bit. He says, “We’re all really asking these two crucial, fundamental questions. Who am I, and where do I get meaning and purpose for my life?” And he says, “The way we answer these questions will determine how we speak and act toward our kids.” So, he says there’s only two options: vertical, horizontal. What’s he mean, Bryan?
Bryan
Yes, so, vertical. I mean, it is what it sounds like, that one of the ways that we find our identity is to look up, and this is the right way. We’ll go ahead and…
Andy
Look up to the clouds?
Bryan
Look up to the clouds. No, look up to the God who made us, to find our identity in Christ, to root ourselves in who he is, and who he’s called us to be.
Andy
His love and acceptance in Christ, his forgiveness.
Bryan
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah. We have to rest in the fact that we are his children and this isn’t unique to Paul Tripp. Paul the Apostle says in Ephesians 5 verse 1, he says, “Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children.” We have to remember who we are, God’s beloved children, if we’re going to live like God wants us to live, imitators of him.
Bryan
Yeah. And he highlights 2 Peter here. I love this passage. “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” He’s granted these great and precious promises. He wraps it all up in this. The gospel, the good news of knowing God in Christ, provides for us everything we need to do everything that we have been made to do.
Andy
And are called to do.
Bryan
And are called to do.
Andy
That’s right. And it’s worth saying this. We have to remember and be, in a sense, growing in our knowledge of the God of the Bible. This isn’t just a law-giving, thundering, demanding, slave-driving vision of God that will shape our parenting the right way. I mean, that will shape it. It will just shape it the wrong way. It’s remembering the God of grace, the God and father of our Lord, Jesus Christ. He says, middle of page 76, “Because God loves you, he hasn’t left you to your own wisdom, strength, and resources. Because he loves you, he will never forsake you in your parenting struggle.” He’s with us, he provides, and we can trust him. But we don’t always, and we don’t always answer those questions, “Who am I? What is my meaning and purpose in life?” vertically. When we do it horizontally, we’re looking to…
Bryan
Anything else that is not God. Right?
Andy
Any created thing.
Bryan
Work. I mean, our skills, our children.
Andy
Children’s success, children’s behavior.
Bryan
That’s right.
Andy
Children’s obedience. Yeah. So, to be clear, our kids are a gift from God. They are a blessing from God. But every one of God’s good gifts and blessings are meant to be, in a sense, signposts pointing us to him, the ultimate gift. And when we place expectations on them, that they weren’t meant to fulfill, meant to bear, it’s a crushing burden to them, and it’s only going to lead to disappointment for us. They’re not going to give us the… They’re not going to fill up that void and give us a sense of identity and purpose in life that we long for.
He says, middle of page 77, he says three things, one, it’s natural. We can all do it. Two, looking to your kids is a miserable place to look for identity. They’re lost, rebellious, foolish, blind, selfish, and just like all of us. And so, they’re not thinking about satisfying us. They’re not looking at us and thinking, “How can I make you feel good about yourself?” And third, it’s a crushing burden for them to bear that load. So, any other thoughts there about just why things go haywire, why things go wrong when we try to get too much of our meaning and purpose from our children?
Bryan
Well, I mean, I think it’s like anything else in life that when we seek things that were created to fulfill what only the creator can provide, we actually aim our gaze for the lesser. And so, we settle on our identity being in something that our vision falls short of what it was meant to be, which is why he pushes us vertical. Right?
Andy
That’s right. Okay. So, he says, “Parents, your children can’t give you life. They can’t give you sturdy hope. They can’t give you worth. They can’t give you peace of heart, but God can.” And so, we want to look to him and when we’re looking to him, then we’re going to have the resources, the provision to help, to care for them and to actually shepherd them, instead of burdening them with expectation. So, how do we know? That’s how he ends this chapter. He kind of goes through five things that we might do that would indicate that we’re looking to our kids horizontally rather than to God vertically for our identity. So, first off, he says, “Too much focus on success.” What’s he mean?
Bryan
Yeah, I mean, it means looking at the performance of our children and basing our identity off of their performance. We want them to be the best athlete. We want them to be the best student. We want them to be the best singer. And so, there’s this overwhelming sense of which the goal is to achieve, and our identity is wrapped up in their ability to perform.
Andy
Yeah. And in that case, we’re often focusing so much on these achievements and successes and the things that they’re doing, and we’re not paying sufficient attention to the condition of their hearts, to them as people, as individuals. Second, he says, “Too much concern about reputation,” and he’s not talking about the kid’s reputation here. He’s talking about our reputation. I sometimes joke because I really struggle with the desire and I’m, in a sense, mocking myself but I sometimes treat my kids as if they were a testimony to my greatness, as a parent or as a human being. And we’re all in danger of seeking glory that comes from other people, rather than the glory that comes from God.
Bryan
That’s right. And that could be wrapped up in their success. It could be wrapped up in their behavior. Right?
Andy
Their obedience.
Bryan
Exactly.
Andy
And their kindness to others.
Bryan
Look at how good of a parent I am. Look at how my children don’t run laps around the atrium of the church.
Andy
Yeah, yeah. Or…
Bryan
Or do.
Andy
They do, unfortunately. But third, “Too great a desire for control.” If you have unabating expectations for your kids, you’re going to try to get things out of them and you’re going to tend to control.
Bryan
Yeah. I mean, you’re going to… This is the parent who has their child’s life structured out in a schedule. I mean, that’s what it could look like, where they have no choice. They are not able to make mistakes. They don’t know how to evaluate choices. He says that they need to decide between options, to develop a reasonable schedule, to assess their own potential, to recognize giftedness, to discern when they are over-committed, to learn how to live a healthy life relationship with God and other people. All these things are scripted for them when parents are over-controlling. And so, the child doesn’t, I mean, they can’t function.
Andy
And we actually hinder their maturity and their learning of these things.
Bryan
Yes.
Andy
We hinder their growth when we are so afraid of them making a mistake that we kind of hover over them all the time, and yeah, control everything. Okay, “Too much emphasis on doing, rather than being.” What’s he talking about there?
Bryan
Yeah. He says on page 82, I mean, this really sums it up for me. “What you and your children need is not the glory of personal achievement, but rescue from your bondage to self-glory, so that you can enjoy the freedom of living for the glory of another.” And so, when we focus on doing rather than being, we’re forgetting that it’s more important who we are than what we do. That our identity suddenly, it’s no longer resting in this God who made us, but it becomes resting in our performance.
Andy
Yeah. And I think the way this plays itself out practically in our relationships with our kids is, what do they think we want for them? What do we smile about? Is it because they won an award? Is it because they got a good grade? Is it because they have friends who like them? All of these things are good things, and it’s okay and good to want them for our kids. But if that’s what they see is primarily lighting up our face, when they tell us, instead of them seeing, knowing, treasuring God, then things are out of whack. And they’re going to think doing is more important than being a child of God.
Bryan
What do you celebrate?
Andy
Yeah. What do we celebrate?
Bryan
That your children. Yeah.
Andy
That’s good. Do you celebrate humility? Do you celebrate devotion to God? Do you celebrate love for siblings and for others, and concern for the interest of others, and…
Bryan
Yeah.
Andy
Yeah. Chap Bettis, the author of “The Disciple-Making Parent,” he kind of gets at the same point when he asks, “As a parent, what do you want for your kids? Do you want Harvard? Or do you want heaven?” And Harvard, obviously, it can be a good goal. It’s not that Harvard is bad. It’s, it symbolizes this desire for worldly success and doing, doing, doing, rather than being, the side point.
Bryan
The aiming of the gaze too low.
Andy
That’s right. That’s way too low of a goal for your child. Okay. Finally, number five, “Too much temptation to make it personal.” And I think this one is really important for our relationship, the health of our communication with our kids. And when you are expecting your kids to fill your tank and to make you feel good about yourself as a human being, when they sin, you’re going to take personal offense. You’re going to feel like, “You always do this to me.”
Bryan
“You’re just trying to make my life miserable. You’re undoing everything that I do.”
Andy
Right. And the point he makes is, yes, what they do may be a result of sin, but it’s not a malicious desire to hurt you, because they’re sinners. So, we miss the opportunity to minister God’s grace to them, when we make things personal that aren’t really personal.
Bryan
They’re not thinking about you at all.
Andy
They’re not, they’re not.
Bryan
Because they’re just like you. They’re thinking about themselves. I mean, that’s what I… I say you, not you, Andy, but.
Andy
Yeah, I know that… I think that’s right though. And so ultimately, he says in the middle of page 83, the last page of the chapter, “When we take things personally, we basically stand against our children, rather than stand with them in their struggle with sin.” We make it a battle between us, instead of coming alongside of them and in their sin and need, helping them see the Savior.
Bryan
Yeah.
Andy
So. Any last words, brother, for this episode?
Bryan
Just a rich chapter. And I think foundationally, it’s attached to chapter one. And so.
Andy
Well.
Bryan
And stuff.
Andy
Thanks for joining and thank you for joining in. We hope to see you next episode.
Outro
Thanks for listening to this episode of the “Gospel Shaped Home” podcast, produced by Providence Baptist Church of Raleigh, North Carolina. For more information and resources from Providence, visit us online at pray.org. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please consider subscribing and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts.